I'm Holding On Why is Everything so Heavy?
by Emjen Enla
Summary: [Complete] Modern AU/a Heavyverse fic. Kaz knew he only was only asking because he thought he was supposed to. Most people were like that; Kaz's multiple lives and many secrets relied on it.


**Title: I'm Holding On; Why is Everything so Heavy?**

 **Author: Emjen Enla (Fanfiction)/emjenenla (Tumblr)**

 **Teaser: Modern AU. Kaz knew he only was only asking because he thought he was supposed to. Most people were like that; Kaz's multiple lives and many secrets relied on it.**

 **Rating: PG-13/T**

 **Canon/Timeline: Modern AU; same general time frame as SoC (Kaz is seventeen, Jordie is four years older which means he's twenty-one)**

 **Dominant Characters: Kaz Brekker, Inej Ghafa, Jordie Rietveld, appearances by Jesper Fahey, Nina Zenik, Alina Starkov, Per Haskell, mentions of Pekka Rollins, Jan Van Eck, Wylan Van Eck, Mal Oretsev, one OC, various others**

 **Pairings: technically more Kaz & Inej friendship than legitimate Kanej, mentions of Wesper**

 **Warnings: violence, panic attacks, PTSD, mentions of car accidents, near drowning, sex trafficking, drugs, alcohol**

 **Notes:**

 **\- Long story short, I became obsessed with the idea of Kaz in a hoodie riding a subway with earbuds in so no one would try to talk to him and this fic happened. I hope you all enjoy. :)**

 **-Special thanks to wylanvanwreck on AO3 and their story** _ **The Mighty Dregs**_ **as well as a post by Crows and Co. on Tumblr. Both formed the basis of the thought experiment that became Kaz in this AU.**

 **-Also, why is Jordie in the Fanfiction archive character list as Joshie R.?**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own** _ **Six of Crows**_ **or "Heavy" by Linkin Park (the song I got the title from)**

* * *

Kaz knew that his day was officially a bust when he had a panic attack in third period.

Okay, technically he didn't have a panic attack _in_ third period. He realized it was going to happen and fled to the bathroom, where he locked himself in a stall and waited until he could breathe again. The bathroom was thankfully empty. If someone heard him, one of two horrible things would happen; he's be pitied or mocked. He'd lost a lot of his bully shielding when he'd cleaned up his school presence during the switch to high school. That change had been necessary both for Jordie's peace of mind and to keep Kaz Rietveld and the Dregs lieutenant Brekker separate. Of course, that meant that he'd gone from that scary kid who smoked weed behind the school to a crippled AP student who no one thought could fight back.

Even worse than bullies would be if some well-meaning student told the nurse. Marya Hendriks was one of the nicest people on earth and she meant well, but if she figured out about the panic attacks she'd tell Jordie. Kaz had been hiding his admittedly shaky mental health from Jordie basically since the accident that killed their parents. He knew that was a bad idea in the long run, but it didn't change the fact that therapy and meds cost money which was something the tragically orphaned Rietveld brothers did not have.

So he hid alone in the bathroom until almost the end of the class period before he admitted to himself that he had to go back. He felt shaky and a little panicky, but he was standing by the sink washing his hands when Jesper came in.

"What are you doing here?" Kaz asked. "You're supposed to be in class."

"So are you," Jesper said. "You've been gone a long time. Are you sick?"

Jesper was Kaz's oldest friend, though they didn't spend as much time together as they once had. If asked Kaz would blame that on Jesper starting to date Wylan, though he knew it was at least partially because of the Dregs and the ever-lengthening list of things that Jesper didn't know about.

"I'm fine," Kaz said drying his hands and brushing past the other boy. "Did Dryden manage to explain anything today?"

"I don't understand it," Jesper said. "And neither does anyone else. Can you tutor me after school?"

"Lunch or tomorrow morning," Kaz said. "I'm busy tonight."

"Fine, lunch then," Jesper sighed. He liked to have his lunch periods and he hated getting up early. "I honestly don't get how you're the only one who doesn't get confused by Dryden. Everyone else is struggling."

"That's because I've long since accepted that Dryden doesn't know how to do algebra and I don't try to understand what he's teaching," Kaz said. "I still get all the right answers, so there's nothing he can do to me."

They reached the algebra classroom. Kaz's bad leg was killing him after all the time spent curled up in the bathroom stall. He really should have been using a cane, but when the injury had first happened he'd refused. He'd come around to it after joining the Dregs because it turned out a cane was a pretty good weapon. Unfortunately, since the cane was now connected to Brekker, Kaz Rietveld couldn't start using one.

Kaz opened the door just as the bell rang and students began pour out. He stuffed his hands into the big pocket of his black hoodie and tried not to hunch his shoulders to obviously. Touch aversion was on the list of things he'd pretended to get over to keep from worrying Jordie, in reality it was hard to shake the horror of being trapped with his parents' bodies in a car that was slowly filling with water. The negligent and painful treatment he'd received from the doctors afterwards hadn't helped either.

Kaz twisted his hands around the black leather gloves hidden inside his hoodie pocket and tried not to think about how much better he'd feel if he was wearing them. He could wear the gloves as Brekker because he could explain it away as trying to avoid leaving fingerprints, but there was no explanation for Kaz Rietveld wearing gloves.

If he was completely honest, he hated being Kaz Rietveld.

He crossed the room to his desk and began gathering his books. Dryden looked up from arranging papers on his desk. "Are you alright, Kazimir?"

Kaz knew he only was only asking because he thought he was supposed to. Most people were like that; Kaz's multiple lives and many secrets relied on it.

"Yes, sir," he said with a submissive smile that he knew Dryden's ego liked. "Thank you for asking."

* * *

Kaz was feeling a little calmer by the time they got out of school. Helping Jesper with algebra during lunch had helped a lot. Kaz loved math; it was easy and straightforward and never failed to make him feel like he was at least partially in control of his life.

When the last bell rang, Kaz made his way through the halls to his locker, hands buried deep in his hoodie pocket. He unlocked his locker and pulled his ancient slide phone out of the front pocket of his backpack. The only texts he had were weird Instagram photos that Jesper had sent him during study hall. No texts from any of the Dregs which meant that things were still on for tonight.

Someone slammed into his back and Kaz almost broke the kid's arm. He'd learned from being Brekker that nothing kept people from touching you without mockery or pity like the promise of violence to anyone who violated your personal space. Unfortunately, that was on the list of things that were frowned upon at East Ketterdam High.

He glared at the kid until he was gone, then pulled his second piece of ridiculously outdated technology out of his backpack. It was a 4th Gen iPod Nano in an absolutely revolting shade of orange. The thing had been Jordie's first and bore his dubious taste in color as a result. Jordie had given it to Kaz shortly before their parents had died, and Kaz had been stuck using it ever since.

Still, it was better than having no music player at all. Kaz unwound the black earbuds and shoved them into his ears. He put his playlist of pirated music on shuffle and gathered up the rest of his things. Then he swung his backpack on and left the school.

He made his way to the nearest subway stop. Subways were pretty much the only type of transportation he could manage these days. He was so deathly terrified of cars that some days it was a struggle to cross the street, and buses could still be struck by other vehicles and be pushed off the road into water. Subways ran on tracks and had only limited interaction with other subways, so he could handle them.

The subway was busy enough that there were no seats. No one stood up to offer him a seat, but that was okay; Kaz didn't want anyone's pity. He hooked an arm around one of the poles and leaned against it, watching as the stops zoomed by. He finally gave into the urge to put the gloves on. The subtle leather covered his hands, and he felt a million times safer.

He got off the subway at a stop near West Ketterdam High. He was now on the opposite side of the Barrel from his school and the dingy apartment he and Jordie lived in. It was a long trip for what basically constituted as a commute, but when he'd joined a gang he hadn't wanted to risk running into someone he knew from the East Barrel.

He climbed up the steps out of the subway station and set off down one of the streets. His bad leg was throbbing worse than before after the jarring it had received on the subway. He wormed a bottle of Advil out of his backpack and shook two into his hand. He chewed them so they'd kick in faster and put the bottle away. The Advil would barely help, but his prescription meds were too expensive to use most of the time.

His mouth was still full of the sour, acidic taste of medicine when he reached an old but well-kept house in a dingy side street. He climbed the front steps and knocked. A minute later Alina, Inej's foster mother, answered the door. She was a young woman and dressed casually, her long, inexplicably white hair was hanging loose around her shoulders. "Hello, Kaz," she said with a smile. "You know you can just come in. You don't need to knock."

"I know," Kaz said stepping into the house.

The smile Alina gave him was fond and it made Kaz want to do something to wipe it off her face. "Inej isn't home from school yet," she said. "I made some cookies this afternoon, though. Do you want some?"

"Maybe later," Kaz said. "I'll wait for Inej upstairs." He tried to avoid Inej's foster parents as much as possible. He knew that they'd assumed he was Inej's boyfriend though to be honest he wasn't sure if he and Inej were even really friends.

He climbed the creaky stairs and headed into Inej's bedroom. Her foster sister, Nina, was already there lying stretched out on her bed on the left side of the room. Kaz raised an eyebrow. "What are you doing here?"

"I was sick today," Nina said in an airy voice that suggested she'd just skipped out.

"Fun," Kaz crossed to Inej's bed on the right side of the room. He took off his backpack and lowered himself to the floor, suppressing a hiss of pain. Then he leaned over and began rummaging under the bed.

He heard Nina's sheets rustle as she rolled over. "Is it a big job tonight?"

"You know that I can't tell you that."

"Oh, come on, Brekker," Nina whined. "I thought you'd stop this when I joined up."

"Whether or not you're a Dreg doesn't change the fact that this is an active job," Kaz said without looking at her. "Only people involved can know about it right now. If you want all the details, I'm sure Inej will be happy to fill you in tomorrow."

"Fine," Nina grumbled and fell silent.

Kaz pulled a heavy cardboard box out from under the bed and opened it. Inside were his and Inej's knives, lockpicks and other equipment. He began separating his favorites out and strapping them to various parts of his body underneath his clothes.

"You know if Alina and Mal find those Inej is going to get in a lot of trouble," Nina said. "This house has a 'strict no weapons policy.'"

"I bought all of these," Kaz said. "That means they're technically mine, and I don't live here."

Nina snorted. "You know, I'm not sure Alina and Mal would accept that loophole."

Kaz opened his mouth to respond, but something changed, and he knew Inej was there. He turned to see her standing silently in the doorway in her leggings and boots and oversized knit sweater. He didn't know how he always knew when she was around, but he did.

"Hello," he said.

"Hi," Inej crossed the room and began taking her knives out of the box. "How are you today?"

Kaz did not let himself think about the panic attack he'd had that morning. Besides, Inej didn't know about those so he couldn't tell her anyway. "Ready," he said.

"Me too," Inej said. Settling down to strap on her weapons.

Inej had been abducted by sex traffickers at fourteen. She'd been rescued a year later and put into foster care while the system tried to find her parents. Two years later and it was blatantly obvious that no one was actually looking for Mr. and Mrs. Ghafa, and Inej would probably be stuck in the system until she turned eighteen.

Kaz finished arming himself by sliding an oyster shucking knife into one of his battered high tops. He worked himself to his feet, ignoring the worried look Inej gave him and moved his backpack into Inej's closet. His cane—a sleek black thing with a rounded knob on top—was also there, leaning against the wall. He took it out and tried not to lean too heavily on it.

"Ready to go?" He asked Inej.

She nodded. At some point she'd changed out of her fuzzy knit sweater and put on a dark-color zip front sweatshirt with a hood that she could pull over her head later to keep her braid out of the way.

"Tell me how it goes," Nina called after them as they left the room.

Inej called goodbye to Alina at the front door and they let themselves out into the street. At the sidewalk, they turned right and began the walk to the Slat. Kaz knew that Inej rode the bus to the Slat when he wasn't around. When he'd first started keeping his stuff at her house, she'd suggested they ride the bus a number of times. He'd gotten around it by simply ignoring her and walking; eventually she'd stopped asking.

It took them a little over twenty minutes to walk to the Slat, which was a beaten down four-story building of an indeterminable original purpose. Even though it wasn't even five o'clock yet, the place still had a number of seedy looking people hanging around. Those were the gang members who made their livings working for the Dregs and nothing else. That was Kaz's legacy to the gang; before he'd joined up and started running things Per Haskell had barely been able to pay his own expenses let alone anyone else's.

Kaz let himself and Inej in through the creaky front door, then he stalked across the big front room and knocked on Per Haskell's door. "Come in!" the gang leader called and Kaz stepped inside leaving Inej outside.

"Just letting you know that Inej and I are here," Kaz said.

Per Haskell looked up and snorted. "You look like a high school nerd, Brekker, that undercut doesn't help."

Kaz looked down his oversized hoodie, dark jeans and old high tops. "This is how I dress, sir," he said hoping he didn't sound like a petulant teenager; this was not the first time he and Per Haskell had had this conversation. "If you want me to wear a full suit, give me the money to buy one and I will."

Per Haskell hacked out a sound that was half laugh half smoker's cough. "That would be something to see," he said. "When are you leaving for the job?"

"When it gets dark," Kaz said. "It should only take us an hour or two"

"I'll let you handle this," Haskell said leaning back in his chair and reaching for the large mug of room temperature lager sitting on the desk. He spoke like there had been a chance he would come. Per Haskell hadn't done any real work in as long as Kaz had known him; he didn't even know exactly what the plan was, only what the goal was.

"I can handle it," Kaz said without letting any annoyance in his voice. He reminded himself that his long-term goals relied on Haskell's incompetence. "Don't worry about a thing."

* * *

When the sun set, he and Inej rode the subway out of the Barrel and into the business part of Ketterdam. At this time of day, comparatively few people were heading into the business district because people didn't live there, so they were both able to sit, something Kaz would never admit to being relieved about.

After they got off the subway they only had to walk a couple blocks before the headquarters of Van Eck Industries rose up before them. They stood on the corner looking up at the darkened windows. Kaz pulled off the backpack he'd brought from the Slat and pulled out a pair of ski masks. It was almost hilariously like something out of a movie, but they needed to make sure their faces didn't end up on any of the building's copious security cameras. They would deal with them, but only from the inside.

They both fitted their masks on and became a pair of extremely stereotypical bandits. Then they headed across the street to the employee entrance. The door was locked with a randomly generated password, but Kaz whipped out one of the laptops he'd bought for the Dregs with Per Haskell's money and within seconds had bypassed the lock and they were in.

Once they were inside, they made their way to the security room. The guard on duty tonight was exceedingly lazy which was why they'd chosen tonight for the job. When they entered the security room, the man was sitting at his desk watching a soap opera and vacantly munching on potato chips. He obviously wasn't watching the many security camera monitors around him, because if he had been he would have seen the two masked people slinking through the hallways.

Inej crossed the room on silent feet and punched the man a couple times with a pair of brass knuckles she always kept in one of her pockets. When he passed out, she heaved him out of his chair and began to drag him towards a closet.

Kaz sat down in the security guard's chair, stuck a flash drive into the computer and released the most potent of his half a dozen custom computer viruses into the system. When he was finished, he glanced at Inej who stood in the center of the security room watching the security footage on the computer screens flicker out. "I'll never get tired of that," she said with a smile.

Kaz smiled as well and made sure he kept his face turned away until he could smooth out his expression again. "Whatever," he stood up, and pulled his mask off. Now that the security cameras were out of commission there was no reason to keep wearing it. "Let's move. We've got thirty-one minutes before the second security guard finishes her round and gets back here."

* * *

Jan Van Eck's office was on the top floor of the building. With the computer virus in effect, Kaz had to open the electronic lock by opening it up and fiddling with the wires, but it still took him less than a minute. He'd started to learn to pick locks at age nine, while in the hospital after the accident and trying desperately not to think about any of the bad stuff. He'd kept practicing afterwards and now he was one of the best lockpicks in Ketterdam.

The door to Van Eck's office opened into a borderline ridiculously expensive space that was exactly what you'd expect of man of his wealth and famous arrogance to have. A DeKappel painting hung on the wall behind the desk. Kaz and Inej lifted it down to reveal the safe.

Inej stood guard by the door while Kaz cracked the safe. Even though they were in the middle of a big job, Kaz found his nerves settling. Lockpicking was as relaxing as math.

He got the safe open in what he estimated to approximately half the time it would have taken the Dregs' second best lockpick. He swung the safe door open and shone a flashlight inside to get a better view of the contents. There were stacks and stacks of cash inside along with some other boxes and papers. Kaz whistled softly. "Someone learns to learn that keeping copious amounts of cash in his safe is just asking for it to be stolen."

"Is there a lot?" Inej asked.

"Yes," Kaz began taking out the cash. It was all carefully tied up in those little paper slips you got on bills from the bank. Kaz estimated there was around twenty thousand dollars. His fingers itched to take the money for himself. Twenty thousand dollars would take care of rent and food and all that credit card debt Jordie pretended they didn't have. He pushed the urge away; Per Haskell might be one of the most useless generals in the Barrel but stealing from him was still a bad idea.

Inej left her guard post and began loading up her backpack with money. Kaz dug deeper into the safe and pulled out some jewelry that was probably worth a couple hundred dollars apiece. Kaz stuffed them into his own backpack with part of the money and laptop he'd used on the outside door, then began going through the papers. This was not strictly part of the plan, but Kaz and Inej built their reputation on having dirt on everyone in Ketterdam so it wouldn't be right to pass up a chance to gain some new information.

He found a couple worthy-looking papers and memorized them in a handful of seconds. When he was finished he looked around the office. His eyes fell on the DeKappel sitting in its frame against the wall. It was probably a nice painting, though all art looked the same to Kaz. Still, it was expensive and the fact that Van Eck had it so prominently displayed meant that it was important to him...

"Do we have a screwdriver?" Kaz asked Inej.

"Yeah," Inej said still focused putting the last of the money into Kaz's backpack. "Why?"

Kaz grinned as his heartbeat sped up. This was going to be great. "We're taking the painting."

Now she looked up at him, confusion on her face. " _Why?_ "

Kaz's smile got even bigger. "Why not?"

She stared at him for a moment then she smiled and shrugged. "Sure," she dug around in the front pocket of her backpack and pulled out a screwdriver. "Here you go."

It took them almost ten minutes to get the back of the frame off and the painting taken out. Once that was done they rolled the painting up and fitted it carefully into Inej's backpack. Then they put the back of the frame back on, closed the safe and hung the empty frame on the wall again.

"Alright," Kaz turned towards the door, pulling on his own, now significantly heavier backpack. "Let's get out of here."

They left Van Eck's office and headed down the stairwell towards the outside. They were almost to the ground floor when they heard footsteps and voices. They both froze and stared at each other. "How long have we been here?" Inej asked.

Kaz checked his watch. "We should still have ten minutes," he said. "Maybe-"

A door above them opened. Kaz looked up and his stomach clenched. A couple big, burly men Kaz recognized as members of the Dime Lions were pushing their way into the stairwell. He and Inej looked at each other in shock. Where had the Dime Lions come from? Had they just so happened to plan a break-in for the same night?

"You there!" one of the Dime Lions yelled. "Intruders! Stop right there!"

"Run!" Kaz told Inej and they took off down the stairs.

More Dime Lions entered the stairwell from the bottom. Inej slid down the railing of the last flight of stairs and slashed at them with her knives. Kaz reached the bottom a second later and took out one of the Dime Lions with a well-placed swing with the knobbed end of his cane. They shoved their way out of the stairwell. Within seconds they were out of the building through a different side entrance that opened onto a boardwalk facing the harbor.

"Split up," Kaz ordered. "We'll meet up later."

Inej nodded and took off one direction. Kaz knew that within minutes she'd be up a building and well out of any danger.

He, on the other hand, had it a bit more difficult. His leg meant that he couldn't climb as quickly as Inej could and he couldn't run as fast either. Still, he would get away; he was way smarter than basically everyone Pekka Rollins had working for him.

Kaz pounded down the boardwalk with the Dime Lions after him. It sounded like most of them were after him. Which probably meant that they'd recognized him and Inej. They knew that he was Brekker, the most wanted man in Ketterdam, and they knew they'd never catch Inej.

He knew he'd never outrun the Dime Lions, so he just needed to find a good place to stand and fight. He turned left and ran along a narrower part of the boardwalk that jutted out into the water. When he was halfway along it he whirled around and lifted his cane, prepared for a fight.

Half a dozen Dime Lions pounded down the boardwalk after him. The front two charged him immediately. Kaz simply stepped out of the way so one ran into the boardwalk railing and beat the other over the head with his cane.

He stepped away until his back was against the railing opposite the one the Dime Lion had just hit. "So what are you all doing here tonight?" he asked with a classic Brekker smile. "Did the Dregs beat the Dime Lions to the pigeon?"

"We're not Dime Lions," one of the men said, eyeing Kaz like he was trying to come up with a halfway decent plan to attack him. "We work for Jakob Hertzoon."

Kaz had never heard of Jakob Hertzoon before, but he also knew for certain that at least four of these people were definitely Dime Lions. You didn't just switch loyalties in the Barrel, especially if you worked for Pekka Rollins. Something weird was going on here. He and Inej were going to have to look into this Jakob Hertzoon person. "Oddly enough, I don't believe you," he said.

"Give back the property you stole from Van Eck Industries, Brekker," the man growled. That alone proved that he was definitely from the Barrel. Kaz's face had never been picked up by the government, so no one outside of the Barrel gangs knew Brekker was really a kid.

"I think I'll keep it," Kaz said.

"Get him," the man said and all six of them charged. Kaz swung his cane and caught the closest one in the nose. She screamed and stumbled back. Kaz got the next one too, but then the rest were on him, grasping at his clothes and backpack, shoving his up against the railing. Their touches were a million points of horror. Kaz struggled but couldn't get free, his cane rolled out of his fingers.

They were trying to get the backpack off him. Kaz tried to twist away from their hands and felt himself fall backwards into space. He was weightless in the air for mere seconds before he splashed into the harbor.

The water of the harbor was cold, dark and dirty. Kaz couldn't tell if his eyes were open or closed. He couldn't tell which way was up. He couldn't tell anything at all, because he was back in that car eight years ago, trapped with his parents' bodies while the cold, disgusting water creeped inside.

He struggled but it was in vain. He couldn't get out of the car, he was going to die here. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

Then hands grabbed him and dragged him out of the water. He struggled to get air into lungs that didn't want to inhale. He was out of the water, he wasn't going to drown, but now he was going to suffocate.

Hands grabbed at him, trying to sit up him up. They were too much like the bodies of his parents which had bounced and pushed against him as the car filled with water. He shoved the person away. "Get your hands off!" he screamed with all the air his starving lungs possessed. "Don't touch me! Don't touch me! _Dontouchme!_ "

The hands vanished, and Kaz collapsed again. Gravel drug into his cheek and that was what reminded him that he wasn't still in the car; there was no gravel in the car.

He lay there gasping for an indeterminable amount of time until his vision cleared, and he felt like he could sort of breathe again. Then he peeled his eyes open and looked around.

He was lying on his side on a gravel bank underneath the boardwalk, the water lapping a few inches from his shoes. Inej was crouching a little further up the bank, as dripping wet as he was. She must have dived in after him and pulled him out.

"I'm sorry," she said quietly. "I thought you were drowning at first, so I tried to sit you up to see if you'd breathe easier that way. I didn't mean to make things worse."

Kaz realized immediately that the game was up. If Inej had been less perceptive she might not have realized what had actually happened, and he might have been able to pull the drowning card, but she knew. He could tell that she'd recognized the panic attack for what it was. He could see her rearranging every interaction they'd ever had-everything about him that had never made sense from the buses to the gloves-to accommodate this new information. He could see her bursting through the armor that was his Brekker identity to the sad, weak, _pathetic_ Kaz Rietveld underneath. It was horrible.

He forced himself to his feet. Cold, slimy harbor water ran down his body. He tried not to think of the car. "Let's go," he said attempting to sound normal with dubious success.

"Kaz," Inej said carefully, still not moving any closer to him, "the Dime Lions left after you fell in the water. We're safe here for a couple minutes if you want to catch your breath."

"I'm fine!" Kaz snapped. He tried to walk and stumbled, catching himself on one of the boardwalk supports. "Let's get back to the Barrel before one of the Dime Lions manages to come up with the brilliant idea of calling the cops."

"Kaz," Inej said. "You know you can-"

"Inej," Kaz spoke over her with his nastiest tone. "Let's go."

* * *

Per Haskell found Kaz and Inej's sodden appearances hilarious and spend a good five minutes laughing until he had tears in his eyes. He was decidedly less pleased about the soaked money in Kaz's backpack and the ruined laptop. He told them he was docking part of their shares even though the money would dry out useable enough and he thought the laptops were useless anyways. At least Inej had had the foresight to ditch her backpack before jumping in the harbor, so her half the money and the DeKappel were fine.

After finishing up with Haskell, Kaz and Inej returned to Inej's house. Kaz had a change of clothes stored there for bloody jobs (jeans, a tee-shirt and another hoodie, this one navy blue) but not a second pair of shoes so he had to settle for being completely dry aside from his feet. He tried not to think about the harbor water squelching between his toes as he gathered up his school backpack and fished his iPod out of the front pocket.

Inej watched him from her perch on her bed. "You know you don't have to leave just yet," she said. "There are still some cookies left over from this afternoon. We could watch a movie. I could probably convince Mal to make popcorn."

Kaz knew what she was doing, she was trying to convince him to stay because she was worried about him, because she thought he was weak. He would not allow that. "I'm leaving," he said without bothering to come up with an excuse. He had no idea how he was going to salvage this situation, but he was going to have to do it somehow and he needed some space to think about it.

"Kaz," Inej said. "I'm not trying to make you uncomfortable, but I don't think that just ignoring that is a good idea. You can talk about it with me; you can trust me."

He couldn't trust anyone. He'd learned that in the years since his parents had died. Even Jordie, who should have been his partner in this quest for revenge, could not be trusted. Kaz had something he needed to hide from absolutely everyone in his life.

"No, we're not going to talk about that," Kaz said as coolly and Brekker-like as he could. "As far as you're concerned that never happened. Never bring it up again, and if I figure out that you told someone else-anyone else-I will not hesitant to kill you."

Instead of flinching back in fear, Inej lifted her chin. "I don't believe you," she said. "You're not that cruel."

"You should," Kaz said even if he wasn't totally sure if he would kill her either. "Good night," then he turned and left the house.

* * *

It was now after ten pm, so the subway was nearly empty. Kaz sat in one of the cars, folded over at the waist, his forehead pressing into his knees, eyes squeezed tight closed, earbuds blaring overly loud music into his ears. He couldn't get his mind off how catastrophically badly tonight had gone. Kaz Rietveld's weaknesses were not supposed to affect Brekker. Brekker was supposed to be strong enough to get revenge on Pekka Rollins.

One of the curses of having a memory like Kaz's was that nothing ever faded. Pain never got duller. He could still remember the exact way his dead mother's soaked hair had felt against his hand. He remembered the way blood had trickled out of his father's mouth. He remembered struggling to keep his head above water when his leg was too badly shattered to kick. He remembered it all as if it had just happened, and he would for the rest of his life.

Mr. and Mrs. Rietveld had died after a multi-car pileup had forced their car and a couple others off a bridge and into the harbor. Officially, it was just a horrible accident, but the fact that the accident had been orchestrated by Pekka Rollins and the Dime Lions was an open secret among all of Ketterdam. When Pekka Rollins wanted someone dead, they died, but what Kaz had never been able to figure out was who the target that day had been. He knew it was ridiculous to get caught up that detail, but he needed to know. He needed to know who Rollins had been after. He needed to know what his parents had died for, once he knew that, he would gladly rip Pekka Rollins' throat out and everything would be better.

Kaz wasn't stupid, he knew that destroying everything Pekka Rollins loved and then killing him wouldn't fix any of his problems, but he had to believe that. He needed to believe that killing Rollins would be the magical cure for everything that was wrong with his life; he didn't know how he would keep going if it wasn't.

The subway arrived at his stop. He got to his feet, hissing in pain. He chewed another couple Advil while he climbed out of the subway station and stuffed the bottle into the pockets of his new hoodie. He headed down the dimly lit streets to the tumbled down apartment building where he and Jordie lived.

Their apartment was a two room, one bathroom flat that they probably paid too much rent for. Still they stayed because as long as they paid the rent, the landlord would overlook anything. That had been especially helpful back when they'd both been minors and their uncle had never been around enough to constitute as their actual legal guardian.

Their uncle had been supposed to take care of them, but instead he'd fooled around and burned through their admittedly meager inheritance before Jordie reached eighteen. He also went on long trips without telling them where he was going or when he'd be back, so they'd mostly fended for themselves. They hadn't seen him since Jordie had turned eighteen and Kaz privately hoped the man had managed to die, though he doubted they were that lucky.

Kaz struggled up the steps to the eighth floor, wishing the elevator actually worked. Still he eventually made it to the apartment and reached for the knob.

The door was unlocked.

Instantly on high alert, Kaz pulled out his earbuds and slid his backpack from his shoulders. He'd left all his knives at Inej's, but the backpack was heavy enough to serve as a weapon in a pinch. He twisted the knob quietly and stepped into the apartment.

He made his way silently down the tiny hallway to the main room. He saw the form of someone sitting on the old, saggy couch. He hefted the backpack up and stepped closer, then stopped. " _Jordie?_ "

Jordie jumped and whirled around, getting to his feet. It was obvious he hadn't heard Kaz come in. His face twisted into a frown. "Kaz! It's about time!"

"What are you doing here?" Kaz asked. "You work nights on Thursdays." That was why he'd planned this job for tonight; he knew Jordie wouldn't be around to notice he was gone.

"We're not talking about me right now," Jordie snapped. "It's after eleven! I've been calling you for hours! _Where were you?_ "

Kaz knew he was failing at completely keeping the surprise off his face, he hadn't checked his phone picking up his backpack and apparently, he should have. "Hanging out in the university district with Jesper," he said. He remembered that Jesper had mentioned that he and Wylan had been going on a date in the university district tonight, so perhaps if Jordie had called Mr. Fahey this story wouldn't be instantly disproven. "We lost track of time."

Jordie ran a hand through his shaggy dark hair. "Kaz, you can't just wander around the city with no one knowing where you are. I should give you a curfew."

For as long as Kaz could remember, Jordie had always been a little _more_. A little taller, a little heavier, a little better looking, a little more trusting, a little more tactful, a little _better_. It wasn't until Kaz had created his Brekker identity that he'd truly acknowledged the ways that _he_ was more. He was smarter, and braver, and a better fighter, and a better planner. He was more untrusting and untrustworthy, more hardworking, more reckless, more morally gray, and above all more vicious. Jordie was the better brother, but Kaz was the one who would get them their justice.

That was how he knew Jordie would never go through with the threat of a curfew. Jordie liked things to be easy; he knew that he would have to fight tooth and nail to impose something like that on Kaz and he'd rather not do the work. Kaz resented that on some level, because it was the same method of thinking that kept Jordie from truly trying to seek justice for their parents, but in this situation, it was helpful.

Suddenly Kaz was very tired. He'd had an absolutely horrible day and he really just wanted to curl up on the couch with a warm blanket. He'd make himself a mug of hot chocolate and maybe spike it with that bottle of whiskey that Jordie thought he didn't know was hidden under the sink. He'd turn on the TV and watch whatever mindless programs were on until he fell asleep. Now his brother was here, and he had to deal with him instead.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't mean to worry you."

Jordie wasn't done, "I asked off of work tonight, did you know that? I wanted to spend some time with you. We've barely seen each other recently and I thought it would be nice to have a night just the two of us. Instead you spend the whole night galivanting around the city and I was stuck here watching the hours tick by and thinking of all the money I was losing!"

Kaz would not stand for that. "You know," he snarled. "If you wanted to spend time with me, you could have asked me in advance. You could have said, 'Hey, Kaz, I'm thinking about taking Thursday night off, so we could hang out. Do you have any plans?' like any normal person. You can't just expect me to never have anything going on. I'm not a little kid content to sit around practicing magic tricks and waiting for you to finally have time to notice me!"

That was a low blow, and mostly untrue because while Jordie had had increasingly less time as he picked up jobs to try to take care of both of them, he'd always tried to make time for Kaz. Kaz knew he'd feel guilty about playing that card eventually, but right now it didn't matter.

Jordie's mouth opened and closed in shock. "How can you say that?" he asked. "Everything I've ever done is to make things better for you."

"If you really wanted to make things better then maybe you would have stopped our uncle from spending all our money," Kaz snapped. "Maybe you would try to make Pekka Rollins pay for what happened to our parents!"

"Kaz, I can't either of those things!" Jordie snarled. "You can't just expect things to work out the way you want them to all the time, sometimes you have to accept what you get."

"And sometimes you can't just lie down and let the machine walk all over you!" Kaz said.

"I can't bring Mom and Da back, Kaz," Jordie said. "Getting Pekka Rollins won't bring them back either."

"I know that," Kaz snarled. "I'm not a child, but that doesn't change that he still deserves to pay."

"Let it be, Kaz," Jordie said quietly. "There's nothing you can do."

"If that's the way you want to be," Kaz said crossing his arms. "Then I don't see why you're so angry about where I was tonight. I told you that I was hanging out with Jesper and we lost track of time. I'd known that we were going to hang out for a while, if you'd asked me beforehand we could have avoided this whole situation. Now, I'm going to bed and there's nothing more you can do about this situation." Then he turned and stalked off into the apartment's only other room.

His bed was on the right and Jordie's was on the left. He peeled off his wet shoes and socks and kicked them as far under the bed as he could so Jordie wouldn't step on them or something and start getting more suspicious. He took off the gloves too; he was lucky Jordie had been too angry to notice them. Then he threw himself face down onto his bed without bothering to change. Perhaps his eyes were a little wet, but he'd never admit that; Brekker didn't cry.

Jordie never came into the bedroom, and when Kaz got up for school the next morning he was already gone.

* * *

 **Honestly, I think that one of the things I enjoyed most about this story was exploring the dynamic between Kaz and alive!Jordie.**

 **Anyway, hope you all enjoyed.**

 **Emjen**


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